Hydrate profusely the night before-whether that means alternating water with alcohol when you’re out, or chugging a bottle of water before going to bed. I believe there is a simple, four-step way to combat a hangover like a goddamn professional drinker, that combines several of the aforementioned methods detailed above. You need a multitude of solutions that combine both heavy preparation the night (or day, if you're degenerate!) you are drinking, and a lot of willpower the following day. If there’s anything I learned from trying all of these cures, it’s that one singular cure or remedy won’t do the trick. Who’d have thunk it? Oh right, every single medical professional, scientist, and nervous parent since the beginning of time. I guess treating your body like a temple actually does counteract the aftershocks of treating your body like an amusement park. The releasing endorphins whispered to my brain, “Hey, don't feel too bad about what happened last night-but also remember to ask your doctor about the next available STI screening, OK?” All this exertion led to a lot of water drinking, and I found myself hydrating properly without getting too nauseated. Then I turned the corner (as I was turning a corner, actually) and I felt the booze gushing out of my pores on a superhighway of sweat. At first, it was a glimpse of hell through rapidly deteriorating beer goggles. I actually tried it three times, just to make sure. With much reluctance, I tried working out immediately after waking up with a hangover. In fact, if I just ranked one of those number one, instead of shooting it straight, I could have potentially given you a real hangover cure, despite me not being honest, even though it would technically be a hangover cure, it would just be right for the wrong reasons. But, their most pertinent and effective benefit is the placebo effect one of these will undoubtedly have in some people (about one in three people, statistically). These might help with hydration issues like fatigue and headaches. They’re like doses of supercharged Pedialyte, which, in turn, is like supercharged Gatorade. Companies like Cheers, Liquid IV, and Blowfish aren’t bona fide breakthroughs, but they are loaded with vitamins and electrolytes designed to get you hydrated faster than a Supersoaker. These over-the-counter hangover pills, powders and patches are often met with speculation and distrust, with a lean towards pseudoscience at best and drugstore chicanery at worst. And, in the longstanding and not entirely alcohol-free spirit of stunt journalism, I took each of these entries out for a test-drive, for your benefit. Which brings me to the good news: There are some very tangible ways to help massage a headbanger of a hangover into a mere whisper of an ailment. So essentially, you have two options: quit drinking, or put more of your mental and physical stock into hangover prevention and treatment. And the older you get, the worse it all becomes (with hangovers….at least). No mystery herb that can retroactively erase whatever you did last night. I’ll greet you with the bad news, right up front. I’ve been updating this list for close to five years, through the flurries of tequila shots that defined my mid-to-late 20s, to the slightly less frequent flurries of tequila shots I consume, somewhat cautiously now, on the other side of 30. Or, at the very least, you find yourself in a state of bottle-ache frequently enough to search for hangover cures. If you’re reading this, you’re probably hungover.
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